A string of memories

Now I understand why some girls cheat on their boyfriends.

When boyfriends lack the interest, I know each and every girl will know.

But I love him, and I don't want to let go.

And I want somebody else to see my value.

Because my own boyfriend doesn't see mine.

 My last post was about endings - it was written during the summer break before college started. Now, with the same person and with another ending (because we got back together for freshmen year in college), I, normally, let words flow and post it in this blog so that I'll have a feeling of "letting out".
     Last May 30, your birthday, I greeted you at 12midnight. Just to let a "last effort" go and after that, I vowed I'll really let go of you. I won't lie though, I waited for your reply. Anyway, that day,night, in fact I wrote you a sort of goodbye/thank you letter for everything. And I decided once again that the minute, no, the second I ended that letter will be the end of my feelings for you. I was at Dunkin Donuts SME when I wrote that letter and I was supposed to fetch Yel from a birthday party so I was alone and about. Bottom line is, I poured my heart out on that letter and..I left it there. I thought maybe it could help me. It kind of did, actually. But you texted very late that night (12midnight the next day to be exact), saying that if I'd like to, maybe we could talk about everything. 
     My first thought was that "What should we talk about? There's nothing to talk about. You already have someone, why bother?" And then my other self would say "The things we don't say are the things we regret the most." So right now, I'm still confused if I'd want to talk to you, but I probably will, because I know you want a closure.

     And speaking of closure, I just want to rewrite that letter I wrote on Dunkin Donuts because it had a lot a emotions and I want you to know them. Perhaps I added little bits too. Or maybe I'll just write a new one, starting on the original letter's foundations. So here goes.

RJ,

     I am writing to you to say goodbye and thank you. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for the money you spent on me. Thank you for the gifts; the Rafaella shirt, the GetBlued polo shirt, the necklace and the bracelet from Unisilver, the F&H top, the Oxygen bath kit and many many more. Thank you for those. Thank you so much. Thank you for the memories we spent on every fast food chain: McDonald's MTS, Dunkin Donuts (my location right now), KFC and even Roxas Street. Thank you for letting me taste KFC's twister, which is my most favorite food in the world right now thanks to you. Thank you for the first real kisses I had. Thank you for the "seshes" we had. I'll never forget those. I would not trade any other person in that situation other than you. Thank you for taking the tab on Yel when she likes barbecue at Gate 3, even if it's behind my back. She (Yel) likes you very much you know. Thank you, RJ, for putting up with my bullshit for 2 years. Thank you for supporting me, keeping me calm when I'm fusing out my anger (on you) about people or school. Thank you for being my number one fan in 2 years. Thank you for keeping me up to date with all the gossips in town. Thank you for the notes. The little ones on posts-its. I kept EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. It's all in a paperbag in my cabinet. I kept all the things you gave to me in one place, by the way, for me to "move on". Thank you for the innumerable words of "i love yous" and "i miss yous". Thank you for taking me to  see my first ever Pinoy movie: 4 sisters and a wedding. Thank you for lending me handkerchiefs when I cried that time. 

    RJ, I really hope you find what you want in life and succeed in whatever it is. I know your passion in computers is very strong and I hope you keep that passion going. Study hard, RJ, please. Do your best in school.. You know how I feel about that. Make me proud..(Do I still have the right to say this?) I'd hate to see you get poor in grades and in life. I will never forget you and I hope we remain as casual friends, though I think you're mad at me, because I know you too well. You will always have a special place in my heart, the one cell that says "First Love"." Im not joking, you're my first love. Thank you for playing that role, the one with the many firsts.. 

     Thank you for not taking my virginity. Though I'd said a million times that I want you to take it (I was drunk and you were flattered), you still did not, and I thank you for that. That's possibly the biggest thing I could ever thank you for. Thank you RJ, for respecting me. 

     So, I wish you the best in life. Goodbye, RJ, my baby, my bi, my tootsie roll. Goodbye to the goodtimes we had, goodbye to our love, goodbye to our memories. I hope we see each other again - soon. I love you, I always will. 


-N



P.S Happy 18th birthday. 

I know a sorry won't fix everything about us. But what will?
I know I've been a bitch, yes, I know that. And I also know that I broke promises.I know that I hurt you. I know because I'm hurting too.

So even though I have got nothing to else to say, I'll say it anyway.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the things I said, for not thinking before saying those awful things to you. Sorry for thinking that you didn't care. I knew you cared - so much. Sorry for slapping you. I am so sorry. If I had to beg and kneel in front of you, I will. I am so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated the way I treated you. You deserved so much more.

But know this - I loved you. Every single fiber of your being.
I hope the next girl you'll have will surpass my love for you.

It just didn't work out between us.
But I loved you, always remember that.
I loved you.

On a Friday night in my bed
I sit alone in my stead
My friends are in a party
Thus my mother should be proud of me

I have not tasted the union of human bodies
When my friends make it a hobby
I just cleaned the pantry
Thus my mother should be proud of me

I do not know how it feels to be high
But let alone this,
I do not ever lie
Thus my mother should be proud of me

I take responsibility for everything
Even at times when I have nothing
But as hard as I try,
My mother can never be proud of me

I joined the top ten once
She appeared to have disgust
And so I began to tire
For I know she can never be proud of me

She hits me with harsh words
Leaving me no cure
There is no other choice here-
But to endure.

 It is not in my nature to have butterflies in my stomach.
  Few people have this effect on me and you should be proud of yourself because you make my butterflies go alive again. You are the one who makes everything extremely special. It might be an ordinary day then you show up then, boom, the day's way far from being mundane. Each day I count as a way to make a memory of us - something that will make me smile like a fool in the future. This day however, you made me melt on the inside. You made my butterflies fly like crazy. They were anxious to get out of my belly and hug you.

I did not expect once and for all of anything because my birthdays were, well, not really remembered. But you remembered, and you made this ordinary day special - yet again. You made me feel special that instant I opened my locker and found that there were post-it notes everywhere, with the memoir of us in the Campus Pop. I gasped. Literally. 

You made me realize that I indeed have many friends. You came to each of them, although some not directly, but still. Thank you for the effort. For going to all sections in the 4th year just because I had another year to live. Thank you for letting Lem write. That was the part that took my breath. I didn't think you were ever going to talk to him or make him write a message for me.

Thank you for the cupcakes.

I loved them.

I thank you for everything. Words can't help me right now. The feeling is just overflowing to the point where you could not think clearly. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Though I may not show that I love you more than you think you know, I know that you know that you know, okay? Yes, I love you too.

I still daydream about the time when our parents would be happy for us, to know that they would support the mutual bond that grows stronger every minute. But Patience is a bitch, and we'll wait for that bitch to arrive. I will never give up on us(cheesy) because I feel it. Yes, we fight, we cuss, we swear but then we understand, because we love. 

This is for y o u, and you know who you are.

I love you and thank you for making this day the happiest moment of my life - yet.

-N



This piece of writing I consider a public letter. If you stumble across this unlooked-for entry then it's not my fault if the Internet led you here.

 

Your warmth is the last thing I feel
In a world that is to surreal
As I cling to the body I know,
I drift to sleep as the dreams begin to flow

The morning started out ordinary -
You hugging me and me hugging you
The sleepy eyelids were opened
Its first sight - blinding light through the curtains

Your morning kisses were soft,
Caressing anything in its way - not anything in thought
The eyelashes touch my nose and I was sober
Could this day get any better?

Your voice is the first thing I hear
Those three words, waiting for an answer
Waiting to feel
So softly whispered into my ear

Your lips is the next thing I'd feel
Forehead kisses in the morning - so gentle like the breeze
I'd open my eyes to respond,
But you'd say 'Sleep, my love. It's the morning of the hour.'

Your warmth is the last thing I feel
In a world where love seems so unreal
As I cling to the words and caresses I know,
I am reassured that I have found the best in you
'I love you', I'd say, 'You'll need to sleep too'

You'd look at me with a sleepy smile
And I could not help but stare at those brown eyes
A little sleep may take us now,
But I couldn't careless, as long as I feel your warmth
Somehow

I'd try to reach for the stars
Just to feel them in my hand
Is it not bad to dream a dreamer's dream?
Just look at those from afar

They are twinkling brightly
Ofcousre, why would they not be?
They'd never run out of shine,
Those starlights in the sky

But what if they'd fall?
Could there be any star so weak?
What about their shine?
I would not want it to be gone like a trick

But ofcourse, no star could die
They'd be reborn again
Unknown to human's eyes
I'll just dream to see them in heaven
Where they could stay with me for all eternity

I'd try to reach for the stars
Just to feel them in m hand
I'd love to do that
But ofcourse, a human has its end.