A string of memories

Are we just gonna stay like this forever, floating?

The perils of waiting..The countless visits on a Facebook profile...The irrational anticipation of a text message...

I'm complaining, I know.
I should wait, I know.
But.
Just but.

I want to learn you.
I want to study you.
I want to see you - your raw self.
I want to.
I want you.

I'm tired of giving hints.
I'm tired of making myself known to you.


Please, make a move.
Because.
Because I might end up leaving.
I might end up being tired of waiting for you to just say hi or text.

But.
I should wait, I know.

But.
I have been stretching my patience for months now.
Not for you, but for everyone.
Everyone I love.
Everyone I loved.
I'm tired.

Realization..big word. Well, more like insights. As usual, the point of this post is to let my thoughts and feelings out because I can't tell them to anyone.

I've come to the point in my life where I...am realizing how much pleasure it is to be alone.

My last post here was about the RG, and judging from the tone of my post, I was striving to be loved by someone who doesn't love me for what I am and what I have to offer. And now, well, he already found a special someone and I'm just hoping he won't fuck this one up - again.

I'm happy. Ok, maybe happy is broad..

I'm...light.

I feel like I can breathe again - like I've let a thorn out of my life.

Let me end by putting a snippet of an article I found in the Internet:

I just want you to know that I fought for our relationship. I fought my emotions so that I could hold on to what we had. But I can see myself tearing apart as it happens. It is not easy to move on, but it's easier to let go of things that don't make you happy anymore.

(There was a 7.7 magnitude earthquake in South Asia a minute ago, let's pray for the people there.)


  Well, as usual, the purpose of this post is to rant about reality and about everything, simply because I can't tell it to no one else. The highlight, however, is on this perfectly screwed relationship that can't be repaired. In fact, it's waay beyond repair.

I am so tired of even thinking about him. It makes me think why we even met in the first place.. Well, okay, for the experience and everything.. but, you know, it doesn't make any sense. Why meet someone who won't be your friend in the future anyway? Now there's just this one big awkward bubble when we meet. It's like I'm having second thoughts about his existence.

But don't get me wrong, I'd like to be his friend.. But, nah. I don't think it's good for the both of us.

After all, it was his "problem" that drove us apart. He said he was confused, and he's not really sure what we wanted.

Frankly though, I was also so tired of keeping our relationship together. It's like trying to mend an already teared..jeans. But I think this is for the best.

The worst part is...I don't know when will be the worst part. Right now I'm just shrugging it off and not thinking about. But I think I know better now.

My friends are all saying the same thing: Leave him. He's not worth it.

Well, I got more than 2 years of this shit and I think I'll go through with that advice. Should've known.

"Nobody gets the girl from highschool."


I thought I destroyed my phone for my mom to buy me a new one but it's a Nokia AND IT STILL WORKS PROPERLY GAHD
 

Now I understand why some girls cheat on their boyfriends.

When boyfriends lack the interest, I know each and every girl will know.

But I love him, and I don't want to let go.

And I want somebody else to see my value.

Because my own boyfriend doesn't see mine.

 My last post was about endings - it was written during the summer break before college started. Now, with the same person and with another ending (because we got back together for freshmen year in college), I, normally, let words flow and post it in this blog so that I'll have a feeling of "letting out".
     Last May 30, your birthday, I greeted you at 12midnight. Just to let a "last effort" go and after that, I vowed I'll really let go of you. I won't lie though, I waited for your reply. Anyway, that day,night, in fact I wrote you a sort of goodbye/thank you letter for everything. And I decided once again that the minute, no, the second I ended that letter will be the end of my feelings for you. I was at Dunkin Donuts SME when I wrote that letter and I was supposed to fetch Yel from a birthday party so I was alone and about. Bottom line is, I poured my heart out on that letter and..I left it there. I thought maybe it could help me. It kind of did, actually. But you texted very late that night (12midnight the next day to be exact), saying that if I'd like to, maybe we could talk about everything. 
     My first thought was that "What should we talk about? There's nothing to talk about. You already have someone, why bother?" And then my other self would say "The things we don't say are the things we regret the most." So right now, I'm still confused if I'd want to talk to you, but I probably will, because I know you want a closure.

     And speaking of closure, I just want to rewrite that letter I wrote on Dunkin Donuts because it had a lot a emotions and I want you to know them. Perhaps I added little bits too. Or maybe I'll just write a new one, starting on the original letter's foundations. So here goes.

RJ,

     I am writing to you to say goodbye and thank you. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for the money you spent on me. Thank you for the gifts; the Rafaella shirt, the GetBlued polo shirt, the necklace and the bracelet from Unisilver, the F&H top, the Oxygen bath kit and many many more. Thank you for those. Thank you so much. Thank you for the memories we spent on every fast food chain: McDonald's MTS, Dunkin Donuts (my location right now), KFC and even Roxas Street. Thank you for letting me taste KFC's twister, which is my most favorite food in the world right now thanks to you. Thank you for the first real kisses I had. Thank you for the "seshes" we had. I'll never forget those. I would not trade any other person in that situation other than you. Thank you for taking the tab on Yel when she likes barbecue at Gate 3, even if it's behind my back. She (Yel) likes you very much you know. Thank you, RJ, for putting up with my bullshit for 2 years. Thank you for supporting me, keeping me calm when I'm fusing out my anger (on you) about people or school. Thank you for being my number one fan in 2 years. Thank you for keeping me up to date with all the gossips in town. Thank you for the notes. The little ones on posts-its. I kept EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. It's all in a paperbag in my cabinet. I kept all the things you gave to me in one place, by the way, for me to "move on". Thank you for the innumerable words of "i love yous" and "i miss yous". Thank you for taking me to  see my first ever Pinoy movie: 4 sisters and a wedding. Thank you for lending me handkerchiefs when I cried that time. 

    RJ, I really hope you find what you want in life and succeed in whatever it is. I know your passion in computers is very strong and I hope you keep that passion going. Study hard, RJ, please. Do your best in school.. You know how I feel about that. Make me proud..(Do I still have the right to say this?) I'd hate to see you get poor in grades and in life. I will never forget you and I hope we remain as casual friends, though I think you're mad at me, because I know you too well. You will always have a special place in my heart, the one cell that says "First Love"." Im not joking, you're my first love. Thank you for playing that role, the one with the many firsts.. 

     Thank you for not taking my virginity. Though I'd said a million times that I want you to take it (I was drunk and you were flattered), you still did not, and I thank you for that. That's possibly the biggest thing I could ever thank you for. Thank you RJ, for respecting me. 

     So, I wish you the best in life. Goodbye, RJ, my baby, my bi, my tootsie roll. Goodbye to the goodtimes we had, goodbye to our love, goodbye to our memories. I hope we see each other again - soon. I love you, I always will. 


-N



P.S Happy 18th birthday.